7th Sept - 11th Sept 1998

Monday 7th September

Beggars and Dogs

Premise : Give each beggar in Britain a homeless dog. It would increase their revenue, prevent the dog having to be put down, and whoever dies first the other one can eat them!

Evaluation : A cracking exchange of hostile interaction between Boyd and some very light thinking prejudiced callers. Succeeding the Monday curse, that usually blesses the switchboard with less than interesting individuals. A lot of protests were coming into the flesh on this one, but no consideration whatsoever was powering the opposing argument. A refreshing, well strung together argument, with a subsequent beyond boiling point, face scarring heat!

Classic Quote : Tommy to Chris, "My job, like alcohol, is to make other people interesting Chris, although I'm struggling with you!"

Interesting Point : I was looking forward to this hour all day, following a great trailer, and I'm glad it delivered... "With an Alsation for a pillow, a chiwowa down your trousers, and a very strange hat..."

Angry Hour

Tuesday 8th September

Biology

Premise : Following in the tradition begun last week with the unforgettable physics outing, Mr Boyd, now a nervous Biology teacher, answers a classroom full of questions on the subject of sexual intercourse!

Evaluation : Far from blowing my own fog horn, but this is more my line of expertise than the afforementionted physics hour. Well... I've read the books anyway! It's difficult to know whether Mr Boyd was genuinely nervous in his delivery - I'm sorry sir, I do know appreciate how difficult it could be. Basically it was an excuse for the listener to ring up and ask any question they saw fit that would try and corner an afternoon show for an answer, and make Mr Boyd sweat at the desk in the process. Remarkably, Tommy kept his cool and managed to answer questions on what is foreplay by not even going into even the smallest of details, and coming from it with a breeze from behind! Amusing stuff, I'm intrigued as to what next weeks lesson will be, although the pattern indicates chemistry. Frite!

Classic Quote : Tommy, "Let's look at the word foreplay... because it's one of those words that one can break down and decipher!"

Interesting Point : Whilst listening to the James Whale show that evening, it was interesting to learn from a less than happy JW (is he ever content?) that an old fuddy duddy phoned up his switchboard to complain that Tommy Boyd was talking about penises, and asked how he was suppose to explain what a penis was to a 6 year old??? James commented that he was a poor 6 year old if he doesn't know what a penis is!

Paper Boys

Premise : Allow paper boy's to deliver the morning mail, replacing postmen and postladies.

Evaluation : Quite a nice, lucive hour, swimming in highly strung out thought and logic. By no means an excellent hour, and by no means merely terrible. A thoughtful, provocative, light and yet totally multilayered and important suggestion!

Classic Quote : Tommy, "Oh we're gonna make someone redundant by a quarter to five, if that's the last thing we do!"

Wednesday 9th September

Ladies hour

Premise : An hour for our women folk, including discussions on Omlettes, ironing, and tidying the house up. In short, patronisation!

Evaluation : By Heck! Thank God this wasn't a discussion aimed at blokes, that's all I can say. Almost abysmal in its interest factor, sporting nothing in the way of arguments, and telling us men how women can best prepare our omlettes, clean our TV sets, and iron our undies - we don't care as long as the jobs get done! The callers where in stupor the entire hour, and I was amazed to discover that there were no Joan's, Rena's or Enda's phoning in to protest against the blatant sexism and old fashioned attitudes that were operating in the most visible threads of tapestry in this show. Traditional perspectives towards contemporary women glamorised, and for once not one of them took the bait, they actually joined in??? Two words sum this hour up so succinctly - elephant blancmange!

Bloke's hour

Premise : A one to one on women, alcohol and automobiles.

Evaluation : Lager, babes, cars - Wahey the lads!!! This is more like it. This is the biz. Ok, so the last hour may have been based on the stereotypical lifestyle of women's roles in the 1950's, but although this outing has it's basing on the stereotypical farting, lager loving, beer swilling, sexist, hormonal, testosterone brimmed, boob seeking, average male, it does have its base in fact, and bearing the last hour mind, this was purely medicinal in a fatal wound healing manner. The last hour is now excused. It didn't exist. Debates on babes ranged from Melanie Sykes, to Gaby Roslin? And of course no discussion on blokes, between blokes, can be without the obligatory - how do you prefer your lager served at home? - scenario! Pure unadulterated bloke talk, that is best served with a chilled lager, and a muted copy of the Big Breakfast!

Classic Quote : Tommy , "Taff calls... from Southshields!"

Interesting Point : A very interesting part of todays show came with the long awaited attendance of top star caller Taff from Southshields. Ergo, a few mysteries began to ensue. What was he doing phoning in the blokes hour? And announcing Catherine Zeta Jones as todays hottest babe begs the question : where has he been for the past 6 or 7 years? I must admit, I did begin to miss his unique form of verbal dissentry, but after this Taff, I'm sorry, I've had my yearful!

Thursday 10th September

Peter Mills

Premise : Peter Mills (Tommy) invites the ladies back to his place... for romantic seduction!

Evaluation : Peter Mills, Publisher, is a character and a half. Mills is the sort of person you'd never be seen dead with in the pub, but would steal each and everyone of his successful pick-up lines to use yourself! One can picture him with that groomed upturned moustache, smoking jacket and accompanying steenkirk. His mission : to seduce as many women as possible into his stately home, and ultimately, put them to bed. Aiding him in his quest is a softly spoken posh English accent, tales of trips from afar, his bottle of chilled champagne, a picturesque view from the window, a driver named Derek, and of course 60's porn music in the background. A major highlight included Judy, who told Peter, "Take me!", which was but nanoseconds from the add break. Magnet on full power! A truly cracking show!

Classic Quote : Peter Mills to Judy, "That's not my thigh, but thankyou anyway!"

Interesting Point : Mills is the ultimate alter ego, with enormous potential for future seduction, amusement and role play. Let's hope that this is the first in a series of outings... I'm sure he'll be back!

Motorways

Premise : German autobuns are a lot safer than our motorways, and they have no speed restrictions. So isn't it time to do away with our speed limits?

Evaluation : German accents again! NEIN! Schmell! The accents were more entertaining than the actual hour was. After the truly engaging and excellent Peter Mills offering, there was no way that anything else was going to top it. There's always some level of disappointment, when the premise promises much potential for crossfire, and your average Pete from the M6 phones up and tells a long and lethargic story about motoring. One of the most stimulating calls came from a German with an American accent, who actually provided some genuine interest to the discussion. Good idea on paper, but it didn't make me accelerate. The trail was much more enlightening and amusing!

Friday 11th September

The Wonderful Hour