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TOMMY BOYD He's planted rice in the Paddy Fields of Thailand... He's meditated within the ancient walls of Machu Pechu... He's seen the sunrise from the summit of mount kilamanjaro... He's got a renault turbo sport, and a TVR... He's got a huge bank balance... He could go out with any woman in the country... He's been invited to the Prime Minister's house for drinks... Arnold Schwarzenegger is a close personal friend of his family... But you may not know: He took Madonna for a dinner date at MacDonalds... He is five foot 8, green eyes, and has a scar on his lip where a dolphin hit him... He was mistaken for the Celtic centre-forward Tommy Boyd, and interviewed live on air for his views on the Scottish internationals... He was once stopped by the police for having a turtle in his car boot... He has written jokes for Bernard Manning... He is directly responsible for the myth that Bob Holness played the Saxophone in Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street... He once dated a girl named Jackie Condom... He has confessed to having a small penis... He was once fished out of the sea after a pub crawl... FIRST MEMORIES 
A decade ago he was on our screens wearing bright white socks up to his knee joints, and a pair of wacky-coloured unflattering Bermuda shorts, sporting a haircut never seen before the likes of Gene Wilder. His co-presenter was no David Emmanuelle either and made a living out of hitting children over the head with a mallet, then watching them sing in the shower. If this was happening behind closed doors, Mallet would have been locked up with the key thrown away! If that doesn't top it all off for a Saturday morning kids show, then it will do when you learn that they also hosted a show called 'Bonk and Boob'. You can get away with anything on these type of shows... except (in some cases) talent!
SCREEN POLLUTION?
Following his Saturday morning installment, in 1991 Tommy Boyd went on to host Children's ITV every weekday, which finally took him away from that dreaded mallet, bringing both himself and his audience a whole host of new nightmares in the form of interviewing Grot Bags in his broom cupboard, and pursuing his acting career with a cameo in a series about a boy that turns into a hound...
AU REVOIR 
Then, in 1993, Tommy had disappeared and was nowhere to be seen on our screens... A renaissance in Children's television was starting to boil, when programme executives realised that it wasn't men who couldn't dress properly that were getting in the audience, but big breasted women in their early twenties, which even to this day has managed to bring in the majority of male-adult viewers to kids tv shows. Come on, who watches Sabrina the Teenage Witch for the stories?
NEW LINE UP 
So that was my introduction to the world of Tommy Boyd, and for many ill-informed people, that will be all they remember of the man. Fortunately for radio listeners old and new, a wonderful new station began to broadcast in the mid-90's, known then as Talk Radio UK. The line-up was full of names both known and unknown, featuring Caeser the Geezer, Moz Dee and Carol McGiffen, Terry Christian, Jeremy Beadle - an absolute radio delight on Sunday nights, he was brilliant, and of course Tommy Boyd who was given a few daytime and early evening hours.
SECOND TIME LUCKY? 
I listened to a few of Tommy's hours in those early days, and he struck me as a good talk host, but I just couldn't shake-away, what was then, his children's television persona. He was just that guy who presented kids tv, that was now on the radio with a fairly fun format - his big and small hour was the highlight in his first run (if I remember correctly it was a forum whereby he would ask questions, big and small, and attempt to answer them with aid of listeners and they would contribute questions too).
NEW HOPE
Once Caesar the Geezer was gone, I rarely ever listened to the station. During one holiday I remember hearing some quite fascinating and mostly controversial adverts for Tommy Boyd shows, so I started tuning in. He was suggesting things like the best way to lose weight is to read books, and that Nuclear Weapons didn't exist. When I listened to those type of shows, I genuinely believed he was serious about what he was saying, and presumed he was bonkers. But what grabbed my attention after several shows, was not that he was convinced of what he was saying, but instead, convinced he could argue his case passionately, winning the debate, on both a verbal and logical level.
BLOODY GOOD STUFF
After my level of respect for the guy had at least passed the zero mark, my opinion of the man rapidly usurped. He was no longer a victim of years of abuse at the hands of a mallet shaped cushion, and wearer of Gene Wilder's toupe; he slowly but surely became elevated to a level worthy of fan-mail. Unlike most ordinary radio presenters, Tommy was wise and he educated, those willing to open their minds, the possibility and scope that comes with the freedom to think what you like, and feel what you genuinely feel without shame or embarrassment, by actually embracing that emotion or thought, and celebrating it by sharing it over the radio.
DISGUISED WISDOM
Most of the shows more controversial subjects, provoked a lot of people into phoning up to express their somewhat prejudiced opinions, and this created the entertainment. Tommy was simply offering alternative proposals - to both contemporary morals and things that we are supposed to think and believe because that is what everybody else thinks and believes - and basicallly told us that when we look at something from a different angle it can make more sense, and at the same time still be considered wrong. The show promoted individuality at its highest level - the freedom and the intelligence to think and believe something you wish to choose based on quantifiable evidence to support that point of view; not believing something on the sole basis of just being told it, or because it is written down as fact.
FANS AND NON-FANS ALIKE
Those of us that did get it would eagerly await the next shows proposition and open our minds to the possibilities, occasionally phoning up just to have an argument or a laugh. Those who didn't get it (mainly elderly) would be waiting for his next show just so that they could complain to Broadcasting Standards, but would inadvertently supply merciless fun for all the listeners. Those who listened long enough, became regulars, and could also recognise other regulars, including the most controversial caller of all time - of Hampshire fame. The show educated us, stimulated our interest, challenged us, made us laugh and cry, provoked our anger, and provided substantial entertainment at the expense of Christian's egos. What's important was that we were getting everything out of the show on a regular basis. It was that extra fuel for our life's blood.
STOP PRESS
On the 12th of November 1998, and hailed as Black Thursday, a number of Talk Radio presenters got sacked as Kelvin McKenzie took over Talk Radio as Top Dog. Unfortunately Tommy Boyd was among them. No longer was our man on National airwaves. No explanations were given. Later we would find out he was sent to the office and told he was fired. Tommy's fans did not give in. His support on the internet led him to consider a brand new venture. One that would unite him with the fans.
EXPERIMENTS AND RETURNS
Boyd came back. First his acting career sparked another cameo role in March 1999, as a DJ in The Bill (episode 1406, On The Air). He also started broadcasting again but this time in a series of live experimental webcasts on the internet, from his home over at his official internet site. These webcasts would take off even further and eventually form a new company, called FirstWebCast. Meanwhile, in early 1999 Tommy returned to local radio airwaves at LBC, presenting with Anne Diamond from 3 o'clock in the morning. He also continued his one-man show, resurrecting classics such as his Bullfighting hour, and brand new topical arguments. Not getting his shows, LBC asked him to be a bit more boring, leading to Tommy's exit, yet again.
BACK AGAIN
2000 came, and with it another comeback on the radio, this time back where he belongs at the now renamed TalkSport. This time Tommy held the weekend and late night/early morning slots. Eventually Fridays would see him hosting a sports quiz, Saturday nights a wrestling hour followed by topical debate, and Sunday nights, what became another Tommy Boyd institution and a first for national radio, the Human Zoo: calls coming live from the switchboard.
SUNDAY NIGHT WITH PROFESSOR HAWKING 
Instantly popular and amusing calls came live to the switchboard from a Stephen Hawking voice immitator. Other regulars included the reasonably good "You love Mike's Dickin", "You love Timmy Mallet"; to the annoying but nevertheless cult calls from "Scooby Dooby Doo" and stuff to do with Voodoo. You never quite knew if you were going to be entertained or pissed off and that was the beauty of the format. Whether it was preprepared audio, arguments, or simply people hanging up to test whether the premise of coming to the air cold was in fact true, the Zoo became something of a legend in the anals of Boyd Style Broadcasting. What could possibly go wrong...?
SURELY NOT AGAIN???
Yes, the bastards sacked him again. This time they gave a reason, and that was because he failed to dump the unhealthy opinions on the Royal Family made by a silly caller. But the Shrine soon found out that a close and reliable source, had a different take on the matter, and foul play might have been at the very heart of this questionable decision. Apparently Talk Sport were after a cut of Tommy's new wrestling promotions, and used this call as a smokescreen to get their own way. To find out more about Tommy's Wrestling promotions, here is a really cool interview with Tommy from the Sun Online. Since the sacking, Tommy decided not to get involved with the Wrestling Promotions anymore.
THE FUTURE...
So what now for the multimedia escapades and career of our man Sir Thomas of Boyd? Will we see yet another comeback at LBC or the Talk Studios? Will he return to television as a presenter, or bit-part actor? Will his character DJ Steve Mason, return to Sun Hill on The Bill? Could there be more mileage in his webcast technology? Will he resurrect his Wrestling Ventures? I am sure we have not heard the last of Tommy. As soon as I find out anything interesting, you will be the third to know!
UPDATED 2004...
As of the 18th September 2004, Tommy returned to broadcasting on BBC Southern Counties radio, with a live internet feed for fans to tune in every Saturday night. So far the show has been brilliant and gets better each week. We hope Tommy endures permanent success and residence there as the man every old lady with a phone loves to complain about. Before this position, Tommy had a few temporary stints this year on Spirit FM. So far, no DJ Steve Mason reprisal (pictured, thanks to Martyn), but you never know... "I would love nothing more than to trade in my 3 up, 2 down, for a wigwam made of creatures that I myself had solemnly slaughtered, to find myself embracing the elements, not cocooning myself away from them. To drink from the glistening mountain stream. To eat what I had hunted with my own cunning and my own guile. To bring up my children as sons of the earth." Tommy Boyd 1998 |